she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
