I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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