I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
