It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
