she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
