Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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