I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
