He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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