I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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