90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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