$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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