I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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