You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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