She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
