shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
