great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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