My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
