the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
