Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
