Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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