I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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