There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
