if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
