need another drink. this is the easiest way
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
