I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
