I think I died a long time ago.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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