Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
