I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
