Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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