My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
