I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
