if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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