Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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