So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
