found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
