So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
