cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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