so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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