The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
