i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
a search helicopter?!
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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