I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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