I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
