i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
