Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
