The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
