meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
