Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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