So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
