it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
