So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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