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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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