guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
