toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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