An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
