We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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