Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
